The Past Mothers....

It's a dark rainy night. I hear the gentle and often not so gentle patter of rain as it falls outside. I sit nestled in my study. Happy to be alone, happy to finally put into words somethings that have danced around in my mind. Today was Mother's Day and I was spoilt by my hubby who took me shopping and cooked dinner and indulged by my 4 yr old who whispered " Happy Mother's Day" in my ears several times and snuggled next to me for an extra long time this morning.

As I mature as a woman, I find myself thinking of my maternal and paternal grandmothers often. My maternal grandmother who we all called Baji passed away when I was around 21. I always knew her and thought of her as just a grandmother. A very selfless, righteous, and good woman. But, as I grow older, I wish she was around so I could ask her about the complexities of being a woman. Women of that generation carried such depth within them. They didn't pour their heart or soul out to many if any. I want to ask and share with her things but not as a granddaughter but as a woman sharing the same DNA. I want to ask her what was her happiest moment, what she found most difficult about marriage, about motherhood, about relationships, about societal expectations. Like every woman, she must have cried herself to sleep many times, she must have many times chosen silence over words, she must have been exhausted by the demands of children, husband and in laws. At the moments when her patience was at its ends, what thoughts ran through her mind? Women made of that fabric are so rare. The closest match I have is my mother. I'm a lot like my mother and my mother was a lot like my grandmother. So, I often wonder what advice she would have given me on love, life, relationships, etc, etc. So many et ceteras. I still recall her sweet smell, her paranoia about having her torch and cupboard keys close by. I remember thinking sometimes that her concern about the torch and keys is so unnecessary. But, I understand now that what seems unnecessary and obsessive at 21, starts making sense at 31 and most likely at 61 will be how I am.

My paternal grandmother ( Dadi) passed away when I was less than a year old. All I know about her is from what I've heard. I wish she lived longer and I could have known her. My image of her is of a strong, confident, determined and firm woman. She spoke her mind, had convictions and wasn't afraid to do what she thought was right. She was an empowered soul that didn't discriminate between sons and daughters. Something rather unheard of at that time and unfortunately even in this time. I think of her often as a fellow mother who raised 4 sons that were very progressive in their thinking, who didn't discriminate or treat their daughters any differently from their sons, who never shyed away from helping their wives in the kitchen,  who knew the meaning of hard work and allowed open and honest communication from their own children. The credit of which goes to Dadi.
How one woman impacts so many generations. I'm told my grandfather really doted on her. I wish she was around so I could ask her a host of frivilous and silly questions.  My Dadi was an exceptional daughter in law who shared her home with many of her brother in laws and their families. I want to  ask her how she did it, how she shared with limited resources and if she found giving intrinsically rewarding or sometimes difficult.

These women were rare, they were multi faceted women that could give unconditionally, love selflessly, stand up for what they believed and so beautifully manage relationships that they are still remembered by everyone that crossed their path.

It's the end of Mother's Day but I'm glad I could pay tribute to the mothers that gave birth to my parents. I miss you both and wish you had stayed around to guide me through the maze of womanhood. I would have massaged your feet and shared so much with you. Thank you for raising such wonderful children who are exceptional parents and human beings.Pieces of your mind and beautiful soul are dispersed across many generations but we will never have the completeness that you did.