At Home

 

I left when my yearning for home grew larger than my desire to be where I was

I just wanted to go home, to be home, to feel at home

Not an external home, I wanted to be home with myself again

I had missed myself more and more with each passing year of this union

I felt more and more distant from myself with each conversation, each infraction, each violation 

As I battled the waters of this marriage, trying to keep this marriage afloat; somewhere in the distance , I was becoming someone I had always yearned to love and be loved by

I was this abundant ,exuberant spring of light, optimism, compassion, strength and hope.

And so ,I abandoned the ship that was destined to sink. 

I freed myself from this weight that I was carrying alone

And I decided to go home 

Home to where I'd find a stronger, happier version of me

I missed myself and just wanted to be with myself again 

With a cup of tea, wrapped in a shawl, hugged by strength, caressed by zest

I just wanted to be home, home with myself. 

Never again to make the mistake of building and seeking my home in another...

HT

April 2023

Basking in Winter

 

It's you that everyone is stopping to admire
Your beauty, your blossom

They convince us of the glory of Spring
How beautiful it is to give, and give
But your real season will be your Winter
When you will be free, minimal, proud to stand bare.
Don't rush for Spring, Winter is your divine time to rest, renew and revive.
But, no one ever tells you that.

I have had my season of blooming and blossom
I have birthed enough springs for others
I want to bask in the peace of my Winter
Of being nothing, of having nothing, of birthing nothing

And from now on,
I will decide when my Winter will end, who is worthy of my Spring and when it's time to fall

Hiba
March 2023

The Eyes that Gave Birth...

 I look in the mirror

And though I love who I see

It's my eyes that make me pause

They look so clear

Clearer than ever before

No longer decorated by illusions

Or accentuated by false promises

Or outlined by society's dark expectations 

I have never seen them like this

They appear barren 

Devoid of a lot 

But no longer pregnant with tears and expectations 

It's as if my eyes have finally given birth

After carrying a burden for so long 

They have seen enough 

Sadly, they were never seen enough 

Never looked into

Only shown how invisible I was

I will do for my eyes what I have done in my relationships

Offer them grace 

Hold for them space

To grieve

To rest

But never again to make the mistake

Of unseeing what someone shows you of themselves

Of shrinking myself to fit another's vision

Hiba

Jan 2023

How the Teacup Meets the Wood

 With a tremble, sometimes

With a dash of shakiness
With whiffs of unsteadiness

How the teacup meets the wood
This meeting is so revealing of age, stage and phase of life

In youth, the teacups are drank with more speed
Put down with more fervor
Picked up again and sipped  with more confidence
The arrogance of youth and plenty of time left

In old age, they are sipped with more intention
With more patience,  each sip is experienced more fully
The sugar felt, the temperature judged, the taste deciphered
Maybe because with age, you are never sure if the teacup will meet the wood again ....

Hiba
Dehradun
July 2022
Visits to my mother's friends 

The Leaf Lets Go...

 I observe the leaves in the Fall

How they hold on
Even though they know they must let go
As the warmth subsides and the coldness sets in, they start loosening their grip to what they held onto for so long
Through so many seasons,  through many years, always finding a reason
But even with a weak hold, they linger on
It's eventually a breeze,a wind, a shake that makes the falling away easy
Almost makes it seem inevitable
So gracefully they fall to the ground
Twirling, gliding gracefully even in the fall
Trying not to make too much sound
Just quietly, tiredly and finally letting it all hit the ground......

HT

Seed and Womb

 I hesitate a bit

I feel uncertain
I dread changes in routine
I feel too too tired to act

But then I think of the unborn baby
To be born, they had to leave the familiarity of the womb for the unknown of the world
Birth only happens when the painful journey from known to unknown happens.

I think of the seed
If it didn't dare to break through out of the ground, leave the familiarity of the ground,  it would never have known the heights it could rise, the fruits it could bear, how much it could give.

But how did they know it was time?
Maybe when the womb and seed could no longer remain confined in their smallness, there was no way except to embark on the journey from known to unknown.

HT

The Fall of Youth

In the arrogance of youth, the green leaf looked at the aging brown leaves with contempt
Basking in the sun, it pitifully looked as another colored leaf fell away

But ,it was Fall
And the falling leaves gracefully whispered,  "we will all meet on the ground"....

What a pompous mistake; to mistake our youth as a permanent season....

Hiba