Thoughts of a 5 year old Mother.....

It's supposed to be a happy moment, a great milestone, the beginning of a new chapter. But, for some reason, all such landmark and milestone moments make me very emotional, philosophical and reflective. I don't just see them as happy, cheery moments but also as a reminder of time passing by, growing up, growing old, the cycle of life.

And so, your first day of Kindergarten was not easy and neither were the many months leading up to it. The mere thought of it choked me up. So, as I walked up to your classroom that Monday morning thinking I can do this quickly and matter of factly, I failed. With the sudden, involuntary flow of tears, I turned to face the wall so neither you and the many other people standing there would have to witness my water works. Your father told me that I'm making this harder for you but what fathers don't seem to understand is that we don't "plan" , "choose" or "orchestrate" these sudden emotions. Motherhood just makes the toughest of us weak and so vulnerable. It makes the most stoic and unexpressive of us capable of experiencing emotions that were previously foreign to us. And trust me, the liberated independent women don't like being reminded me of how our children have forever enslaved a part of our hearts and souls. Such is your power, your significance and your meaning in our lives.

Time and life seem to be passing by so fast. I sometimes watch you observing the world around you, your bright, intelligent eyes, your insightful questions, your reflective theories, your expanding independence, your innocent emotional dependence, your sweet voice and I wish I could freeze it all because it's all so transient. In the midst of being young, working and juggling so much in life, I feel I take it for granted that you will always remain this child like, sweet and little. But, I know one day I'll be looking at a young man and all these memories will seem so unreal, surreal or even imaginary. The little boy that yearns to touch my cheeks as his comfort toy may find himself too "cool" for such expressions of affection. The endless questions and conviction that I always will have the answers will diminish and my answers wont seem "smart" enough. The sources of your worldly knowledge wont be monopolized by your parents' answers. This is the beauty and strange sadness of life. As parents when we need the assurance of being the center of your universe, the "smart" ones with the answers, the magicians who can fix your world; you have grown up and sought other avenues.

Such are the many thoughts that go through my mind as you get ready to become a 6 year old boy. But, Izyaan, you will always be my baby.